Sometimes It’s a Struggle

Today I’m thinking about being married, specifically about being married to THWAM*. 

Our marriage got off to a very quick start, and it has lasted past forty years now.  We’ve had good times and hard times, and cycles of change.  We stood strongly together raising our children, and they’ve all survived the process and become adults that make us proud.  We have grandchildren who provide a constant source of joy.

Retirement has turned out (surprise!) to be a great time in our marriage, even though I expected something less.  We’re still a great couple, still feeling the love, still deeply in touch both emotionally and physically.  (Side note here:  yes, still in touch physically, but I gotta tell you that old-people sex is quite funny.  But still worth the considerable effort required!)

We’ve always been quite different in personality.  I’m talkative and social, he’s more a quiet observer.  My feelings are obvious, his are more controlled.  I think I’m easy to know, while he allows only a few to get really close.  We recognize and respect our differences, and still manage to be good together.  Most of the time.

But there are times when it’s not easy, and right now happens to be one of those times.  He periodically experiences an emotional and energetic disconnect that takes him far away to a place where I cannot follow.  He is silent.  He has no energy.  He feels ill.  He takes no interest in his usual pleasures.  And he fights it so hard!  He wants to be himself.  I know that.

He once described the experience by saying that it is like he is sitting in a little boat that just drifts farther and farther out to sea, and he has no way to steer it back in.  Eventually his little boat somehow turns itself back around and he comes drifting back to shore and to life.  There is no explaining why he drifts away, or why he drifts back.  But he always comes back.

Previous spells have taught us that this is not something that responds to  taking anti-depressants, for he has tried several at my urging.  This time, also at my urging, he has had a thorough exam and is in really good physical health.  We both know it’s just a matter of waiting it out until the little boat comes home.

For this round, it’s a particularly different experience for me because I am different.  I have been working hard to develop myself as an empath, and to increase my sensitivity to the energies around me.  Now when I tune in to his energy I find that it is brownish, viscous and sticky, like honey but with none of the sweet.  It has a very dark and down feeling.  I must work to avoid taking it on as my own.

I meditate and ask divine Spirit how can I help, how can I heal?  The answer is always “let him be, it belongs to him.”  They are telling me that my over-concern, my getting into it with him, is not at all helpful.  Loving him through it is all I can do.  That’s difficult to swallow for someone who is a born fixer!

So I am doing my best to keep my own energy high and pure as we wait for the tide to turn.  As we know it will.

I sometimes wonder if our grown children have similar feelings, similar cycles of being down that they can’t logically account for.  Maybe knowing about their dad could be helpful.

That’s what I’m thinking about today.

*The Husband Who Adores Me

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Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.                                        Robert Heinlein

Love is what you’ve been through with somebody.                James Thurber

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, October 28th, 2009 at 2:32 pm and is filed under Things to Think About. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

2 Responses to “Sometimes It’s a Struggle”

  1. Renee on October 29th, 2009 at 8:48 pm

    I am my father’s child, in this as in many things. Amy and I have a very similar relationship. She is outgoing and personable, I find it difficult to connect with people. It is work and the force of the interaction often drains me of my energy. I am quiet, introverted, in so many ways like him.

    As we are all aware, I have suffered through internal emotional trauma, the kind nobody but me could deal with or work through. Those occurrences are not as extreme or as frequent as they were when I was a child, but they still occur. I remember as a child “going away”, drifting off to a place away from where I was. Again, I still experience that feeling, not as often, but it still occurs. My youngest child does as well. We discuss it between us, how it feels, what we experience. He is amazingly empathic and often does it to escape feeling someone elses pain.

    I am not sure if this is Dad’s experience, what he feels when he is “gone”, but I know the feeling of drifting away, being drained and tired. It is not something those around us understand and nothing is wrong. We are gone and then we come back.

  2. shannon on December 11th, 2009 at 11:11 am

    Wow, this is maybe why you sent me your blog. Your struggle to let the other person in your life that you love so much own their own journey and understand you can’t :fix” it. To remain focused on your own light and understanding and knowing they come back. I needed to see this today . Thank you:)