Blind to Change

I have written in a lot of places about being overweight.  I don’t think I’ve written anywhere about NOT being overweight.  For lack of experience, obviously.

At the time of my marriage 45 years ago I weighed about what I do now, but I think that lasted about ten minutes, just long enough to rope the guy and tie him down. While my children were small I weighed over 100 pounds more than I do now.  Back then I was very aware of my body, what it looked like, didn’t like it, tried constantly to change it; eventually the weight came down a bit, stabilized, and I made a kind of peace with being a plus-sized girl.  I tried to be the best plus-sized girl I could be, realizing that my size did not keep me from having or doing most of what I desired in life.

Now I’m dealing with something new.  I’m not a plus-size girl anymore and it’s messing with my mind.  I can’t see what I look like.  Really!

I ordered a watch without a stretchy band and I worried that when it arrived it wouldn’t fit around my wrist, but in reality I have to cinch it to the last hole.  Bracelets and necklaces sized for normal people fit me perfectly, but I don’t expect them to.  I’m having to wean myself from my favorite plus-size catalogs, but I miss their familiarity; the same is true for store shopping, for I automatically head for the plus department.  I know who I am in there and what size I wear, er, wore, no debating.  My body has gone from the “women’s” sizes to the “misses” sizes, and my mind has not kept up.  It’s a whole new world to me in there, a confusing one.  So I’m learning by doing, shopping more than I should just to prove to myself that I have indeed crossed into the “normal” size range.  Really, all I want to do is see myself as normal.  Who would guess it would take practice?!

I fit in a restaurant booth just fine, but I still think it’s safer to pick a chair just in case. I’ll be flying in a few months, and it’s odd to me not to worry about fitting in the seat without a seatbelt extender.

It’s confusing to look in a full-length mirror, for while I think I look better or at least different, I’m not sure; the change is not clear to me.  I have had to rely on what others tell me about myself.  That’s crazy!  I had a little breakthrough very recently when I looked really closely at an old photograph in which I could actually see my very round face, compare it to my present face, and clearly see a difference.  I did a little happy dance.

So I think easing in to a new body is a process that takes time, and I get a little closer every day.  I think it’s a very mild case of body dysmorphia and I’m in recovery.

Please don’t think I’m complaining, for I am gloriously happy with being healthier and feeling so good. And I see and enjoy the changes through others’ vision for now, and will soon see with my own readjusted eyes.




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This entry was posted on Monday, March 18th, 2013 at 3:05 pm and is filed under Things to Think About. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

3 Responses to “Blind to Change”

  1. Anne on March 27th, 2013 at 2:11 pm

    You look great. Be proud!

  2. Martha Bailey on April 2nd, 2013 at 10:31 am

    I am amazed at your discipline to do this. Everyone is so happy for you and you are such an inspiration to the girls at Curves.

  3. Christina on June 14th, 2013 at 10:34 am

    As a brand-new mom who’s been plus size since a year after I met my husband, your story is all too familiar to me. Your weight loss and health increase (just made up that phrase) are a big inspiration to me. During my pregnancy I wasn’t vegan, but I want to be a healthy, fit and active mother, plus I want to model conscious and sane eating to my newborn son, so I’m back on the plan. I hope it’s not hard to transition my body image as well. Kudos to you!